小学生英语小笑话大全爆笑

❶ 小学英语小笑话

1)TOM'S EXCUSE
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go
Slow".
汤姆的借口
老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？
汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。"
DID YOUR DAD...
2)Tom call Jim's name:"I can't bear such a foolish!"
and Jim say:"You mother could (bear)!"
汤姆对着吉姆骂道:"我受不了你这个苯蛋了!"
吉姆说:"你妈妈能!"
附:bear 有两重意思:"生"和"忍受"这个笑话正是根据这点.
3)Tom call Jim's name:"I can't bear such a foolish!"
and Jim say:"You mother could (bear)!"
汤姆对着吉姆骂道:"我受不了你这个苯蛋了!"
吉姆说:"你妈妈能!"
附:bear 有两重意思:"生"和"忍受"这个笑话正是根据这点.
4)A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
5)Mother sent Tommy to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches.When Tommy came back,mother asked him,”Did you buy a good box of matches?”
“Yes,Mum.”Tommy replied,”I have tried them all.”
一盒小火柴
妈妈让汤米去马路对面的商店里买一盒好用的火柴。汤米回来后，妈妈问他，“你买的是好用的火柴吗？”
“是的，妈妈。”汤米回答，“我把它们都试过了。”
6)Father:Uh,oh,I think I just made an illegal right-hand turn.
Susie:That is okay ,dad,the policeman behind you just did the same thing!
开车
父亲：哎呀，我刚才违规右转弯了。
苏西：没事，爸，跟在你后面的警察也这么转了。
7)Little Robert asked his mother for tow cents.”What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?”
“I gave it to a poor old woman,”he answered.
“You’er a good boy,”said the mother proudly.”Here are tow cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?”
“She is the one who sells the candy.”
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆。”他回答说。“你真是一个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说. “再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
8)Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,”What happened?”
“A kid bit me,”replied Ivan.
“Would you recognize him if you sew him again?”asked his mother.
“I’d know him any where,”said Ivan.”I have his ear in my pocket.”
他的耳朵在我的衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口。”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说，“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里。”
9)Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

❷ 小学水平的简短英语小笑话

Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".

.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.'

这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”

2.Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red?

Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight.

Mother: That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?

Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith.

妈妈：弗雷迪，你的脸为什么那么红？

弗雷迪：我刚才在大街上跑，为的是阻止一次打架？

妈妈：你做的对，谁和谁在打架。

弗雷迪：我和杰克·史密斯。

❸ 简单爆笑的英文小笑话（要翻译的）

I Wasn't Asleep

When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conctor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"

"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.

"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."

"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."

我没有睡着

当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”

“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。

“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”

“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”
The poor husband

"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.

可怜的丈夫

“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”Where is the father?

Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

父亲在哪儿？

兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”

“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”

哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”

Does the dog know the proverb, too?

The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

狗也知道这个谚语吗？

一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。

“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”

“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”

一 Can we have our teacher back？

Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back?"

能让我们的老师回去吗？

有一次，一位督学去视察一个只有三间教室的学校。一间教室非常吵闹，因此督学抓住其中一个正在站着说话的人，把他带进另一间教室，并让他站在墙角。五分钟以后，一个小男孩从第一间教室走进来，问道，“您什么时候能让我们的老师回去呢？”
二 Who's More Polite?

A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.

谁更有礼貌？

一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。
三 Expensive Price

Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.

Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.

Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.

昂贵的代价

牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。

母亲：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀？

牙科医生：是的。但是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了

A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor,
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害."医生说:"我怕他已经死了."听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着."妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多."

The busis very crowded.Aman tries to get on,but no one gives way to him.
"Hey,let me get on the bus."the man shouts.
"It's too crowded.You'd better take the next bus."a passenger says to him.
"But you can't go withou me.I'm the driver."the man says.
公共汽车上很拥挤.一位男士想上车,但是没有人给他让路.
"喂,让我上车!"那位男士喊道.
"车太挤了,你最好坐下一辆"车上的一位乘客对他说.
"但是没有我你们走不了.我是司机!"那位男士说道.

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

One day an old lady went to see her doctor, the doctor ask "how old are you?" The old lady think for a while and she said" when i was marry i was 18 and my husband is thirty Five. Now my husband is seventy years old it is twice of thirty five, so i am 36 years old."...
一天一位老太太去看医生，医生问：“女士，您多大岁数了？”然后老太太想了一会说：“我结婚那年我18岁，我老公35岁,现在他70岁了，是35的两倍，所以我应该是36岁”。。。。。。。。。。

TOM'S EXCUSE
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go
Slow".
汤姆的借口
老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？
汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。"

Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should. I've been practicing all night.
医生：听上去你咳嗽今天好多了。
病人：应该如此。我昨晚练习了一整夜。

❹ 简单的英语小笑话(带翻译）

1、Boy: Is this seat empty? Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down. 男孩：这个座位是空的么？ 女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。  

2、Boy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money. 男孩：我可以给你买杯饮料吗？ 女孩：你不如直接把钱给我得了。 

3、My little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!  Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 

我的狗不识字。布朗夫人：哦， 亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！ 布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”

4、My Wife Will Exchange Them。A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.   ″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.  ″Makes no difference ″replied customer.   ″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.  ″Any″ he responded. 

″Size﹖″ ″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″ 

反正我太太明天会来换的。一位先生走进一家商店要买副手套。 “您是要布的还是皮的？”售货员问。 “没什么区别。”这位顾客回答。 “那您要什么颜色的呢？”售货员又问。“什么颜色都成。”他回答。 “号码呢？” “您就随便给我拿一副吧，”这位顾客有点不耐烦了，“反正我太太明天都会来换的。” 

5、A  physics Examination，Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.  The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunder rolls?   

Nick‘s answer: Because  our eyes are before ears.   

一次物理考试。在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。  

6、Jim’s History Examination。Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him  things that happened before the poor boy was born.   

吉姆的历史考试。舅舅：吉姆这孩子历史考得怎么样？母亲：唉，糟透了。可话又说回来，这也不能怪他。嗨，他们尽问一些这个可怜的孩子出生前的事儿。 

7、he is really somebody。-- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do?-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.   

他真是一个大人物。-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？-- 墓地守墓人。

(4)小学生英语小笑话大全爆笑扩展阅读：

笑话具有篇幅短小，故事情节简单而巧妙，往往出人意料，给人突然之间笑神来了的奇妙感觉的特点。大多揭示生活中乖谬的现象，具有讽刺性和娱乐性。其趣味有高下之分。

人类历史上，人自从有了语言，就已经出现了开玩笑的语言，最早，人们以口相传，后来有了文字，许多笑话便被记载下来，编书成册。但还有很多笑话，是流传于民间的，就当今社会，每天都有很多笑话出现，有心人如果收集，我想将来一定会有价值。

同时丰富了笑话的宝库。随着近十年网络和手机的飞速发展，随之出现了网络笑话，网络流行语，给力大全，手机笑话，雷人语句，笑料联盟等，促使笑话发展到一个新的阶段。

❺ 关于英语的小笑话 短一点

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

❻ 英语笑话大全 爆笑

1.One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
2.The mean man's party
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment,he said,"Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open,push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well,gosh," was the reply,"You're not coming empty-hangded,are you?

❼ 幽默英语小笑话...

1. Mike:Mum,I want to watch TV.
Mum:There is no electricity tonight.
Mike:Then let's watch TVwith a candie on.
迈克：妈妈，我想看电视。
妈妈：今晚停电了。
迈克：那我们就点着蜡烛看吧。
2.The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网
"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。
"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
4. I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
我刚咬破自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”
5. A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”
6. He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。
-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
7. Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”

8.my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字
布朗夫人：哦，
亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
9. Bring me the winner
—- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.

给我那个打赢的吧
-- 服务员， 这个龙虾只有一只爪。
-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。
-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。
10. Advice for "Kid"
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."

忠告“年轻者”
这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，
千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”

❽ 小学三年级英语笑话，越简单越好。（要好笑的）

1. A boy swore to a girl: 'Honey, do please marry me, otherwise I'll die'
The girl refused. Sixty years later, the boy died.
一男生向一女生发誓：亲爱的，请你一定要嫁给我，不然我会死掉的
女孩拒绝了。六十年后，那个男生死掉了。

2. Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?
Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost（路牌，路标） says, 'School -- Go Slow'
老师：约翰，为什么你每天早上都迟到呢？
约翰：每次我走到街角的时候，都有一块路牌写着：“学校-小心慢行”

3. Teacher: Tom, why are you so late for school tdoay? And where is your homework book?
Tom: Sorry, Miss. I met a robber on my way to school this morning...
Teachse: Oh, My Gosh! So terrible! Did he robber anything from you?
Tom: He...he robbed my homework book....
老师：汤姆，你今天为什么迟到这么久？还有你的家庭作业本呢？
汤姆：对不起，老师，我今天在上学的路上遇上了一个抢劫犯……
老师：噢，天哪！太糟糕了！他抢了你什么东西没有？
汤姆：他……他抢走了我的家庭作业本……

❾ 急需：英语小笑话，简单短小，而且超级爆笑！谢了。

1.Is it a boy or a girl
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
翻译：是男孩还是女孩？
A:看看那个留短发和蓝色牛仔裤的年轻人。是男孩还是女孩？
B：是个女孩。她是我的女儿。
A:哦，对不起，先生。我不知道你是她的父亲。
B：我不是。我是她的妈妈。
2.Pretty ugly
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly..
翻译：非常丑陋的
玛丽：约翰说我很漂亮。安迪说我很丑。你觉得怎么样，彼得？
彼得：我觉得你很丑。
3.Silent fart
A man walks into the doctor's office with a serious problem.
"Doctor, I've had problems with silent gas emissions. At home, work, and even at church, I release tons of silent farts everywhere I go! As a matter of fact I've had three sitting here talking to you. What are we going to do?"
The doctor replies:
"The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."
翻译：沉默的屁：沉默的屁
一个人走进医生的办公室，遇到了一个严重的问题。
“医生，我在无声气体排放方面有问题。在家里，工作，甚至在教堂，我放出无数的无声屁，无论我走到哪里！事实上，我坐在这里和你谈过三次。我们该怎么办？”
医生回答说：
“我们要做的第一件事就是检查你的听力。”
3.Pay tax with a smile
A: I hate paying my income tax.
B: You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile?
A: I'd like to but they insist on money!
翻译：A:我讨厌付所得税。
B：你应该是个好公民——你为什么不微笑着付钱呢？
A:我很愿意，但是他们坚持要钱！
4.Take his place
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
Replied the governor, "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
翻译：代替他：取代他的位置
午夜过后，一位律师打电话给州长，坚持要他跟他谈一件非常紧急的事情。一个助手最终同意唤醒州长。
“那么，这是什么呢？”州长抱怨道。
“Garber法官刚刚去世，”律师说，“我想接替他的位置。”
州长回答说：“好吧，如果殡仪馆还好的话，我就可以了。”
5.I'm Sick
One day Hamid felt very sick and he went to the hospital.
Nurse: Hamid, the doctor is here to see you.
Hamid: Tell him, I can't see him. I'm sick.
翻译：我生病了
一天，哈米德感到很不舒服，他去了医院。
护士：哈米德，医生来见你。
哈米德：告诉他，我看不见他。我病了。
向姑姑道歉
爸爸：“儿子，你怎么称呼你的阿姨傻？”去跟她说声对不起。”
儿子：（走到姨妈跟前）“阿姨，对不起你是个笨蛋。”
6.Say sorry to aunt
Dad: "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her."
Son: (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid."
6.Undying love
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes, dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love.
翻译：永恒的爱：永恒的爱
女孩：你爱我吗？
男孩：是的，亲爱的。
女孩：你愿意为我而死吗？
男孩：不，我的爱是永恒的
(9)小学生英语小笑话大全爆笑扩展阅读：
look at看; 审视; 评判; 接受
young person(14-17岁的)未成年人; 少年
short hair短头发
blue jeans蓝色斜纹布裤子，牛仔裤
do you你愿意吗
fart<讳>放屁; 讨厌的人; 令人厌烦的人; 蠢人
walks步态( walk的名词复数 ); 人行道; 步行的路径; 走，步行，散步( walk的第三人称单数 ); 出现; 陪伴…走; 徒步旅行
'vehave 的缩略形式
At home在家; 在国内; 在家接待客人; 精通
and even乃至

❿ 30篇小学英语笑话

Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".

.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.'

这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”

2.Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red?

Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight.

Mother: That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?

Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith.

妈妈：弗雷迪，你的脸为什么那么红？

弗雷迪：我刚才在大街上跑，为的是阻止一次打架？

妈妈：你做的对，谁和谁在打架。

弗雷迪：我和杰克·史密斯。

另外
http://www.itpuji.net.cn/xiaohua/list.php?category=%D3%A2%D3%EF%D0%A6%BB%B0
还有很多

http://www.google.cn/search?hl=zh-CN&q=jokes&meta=&aq=f&oq=

盗版光碟：

-Are you serious?(你是认真的吗?)
-No,I'm kidding.(不,我开玩笑的.)

电影上的翻译:
-你是席拉瑞丝吗?
-不,我是凯丁..

Two Birds
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
两只鸟
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

2.
The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网
"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。
"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

3.
The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn’t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老师
9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。
"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。
"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"

4.
A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick’s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考试
在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。
这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？
He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

英语小笑话
上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.

One old person complained to the doctor that his right ear was giving him trouble; he couldn't hear.
So the doctor checked, checked, checked, listened, listened and said, "Oh, you know your ear trouble is an old age problem? Your ear is getting old, that's all.That's why you can't hear."So the patient said, "Nonsense, the left ear is just as old.

中文：
有个老人向医生抱怨右耳有问题，听不见。
医生检查又检查、听了又听，然后说：「哦！你知道吗？你耳朵有毛病是因为年老的关系，你的右耳已经老化了，所以才听不到。」
病人说：「胡说！我的左耳也一样老呀！」

There were two men who went out to eat together. They ordered fish. So on the table there were two fish.
Normally not all the fish are alike in size, so there was one small, and one big. The first man just took
the big one for himself without asking and feeling ashamed, or anything; and ate it. The other friend
felt very disturbed and annoyed, he didn't know what to say. So he thought for a while, and then he said,
" If it were me," I would have taken the smaller one first." So the other guy said," See! I knew that!
That's why I took the big one."

有两个人一起出去吃饭，结果点了两条鱼，不久之后，鱼就上桌了，但是通常鱼的大小都不太一样，所以送来的鱼也是一条大一条小。结果第一个人问也不问，就把比较大的那条鱼夹起来吃，一点都没有不好意思的样子。
另一个人看了心里很不高兴，但是也不知道该说什么才好。他想了一会儿，终于开口说：「如果是我的话，我一定会先拿那条小鱼。」另一个人就接口说：「看吧！我就知道，所以我刚刚才拿大鱼。」

http://englishjoke.net/

Does the dog know the proverb, too?

The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

狗也知道这个谚语吗？

一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。

“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”

“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”
Let me take it down

An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."

为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”

“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。
Do You Know My Work？
One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes．
Two men stood outside and looked at the fire．
“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money． People don't think of money when they're afraid． When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it． So I took all the bills that I could find．No one will be poorer because I took them．”
“You don't know my work，” said the other．

“What is your work？”
“I'm a policeman．
“Oh！” cried the first man． He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work？”“No，”said the policeman．
“I'm a writer． I'm always telling stories about things that never happened．”
译文：（自己简单翻译）
你知道我是干什么的吗？
一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡 衣就跑了出来。
两个人站在外面，看着大火。
“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”
“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。
“你是干什么的？”
“我是警察。”
“噢！”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的？”“不知道。”警察说。
“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”

你家真穷
你家太穷了。我进你家门时恰好踩灭了一支香烟，你老爸就喊：“嘿，谁关了取暖器？”

某山区通火车,沿途农民都来观看,车上一女客来了例假,换纸后仍出窗外
迎面飞在一农民脸上,农民取下说:“哇靠！！！火车就是快,飘张纸都能把我鼻子打出血

猪的英文笑话三则：
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Friendly Pig
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A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

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Woman Yells Pig
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A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies.

If only men would listen.

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Take The Pig to The Zoo
=======================
A man was driving down the road in the country. He looked over and saw a baby pig in the field. He stopped and picked up the pig. He was driving around town with the pig in the car and a cop sees him and pulls him over.

Cop asks "Hey, What are you doing with that pig in the car?"

The driver says "Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the field."

The cop says" I want you to take that pig to the zoo!"

The driver agrees he will take the pig to the zoo.

The next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls him over. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PIG TO THE ZOO!!"

He replied, "Well I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we are going to the ball game now."

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还有一个不错的网址：http://www.czlgj.com/otherweb/e_c/joke/index.htm

wake up
A couple stopped talking to each other after a quarrel. However, the husband was worried about to catch up a meeting early next morning, so he wrote his wife a note:"Please wake me up at 7:00am." The next morning, he was upset to wake up at 8:00. Then he saw a note at his bedside:"Wake up you stupid! It's 7:20 now."

起床啦
一对夫妇吵架了，谁也不和对方说话。 第二天，丈夫因为一大早要去开会，所以希望太太早上能叫醒他。但是他又不愿意先说话，于是就拿了一张纸条给太太，上面写道：“明天早上七点叫我起床”第二天早上，丈夫起床的时候已经八点了，他又急又气，突然发现一张纸条放在床头上，上面写道：“死鬼！七点二十了。快起床。”

Grandson
A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:
"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."
Not like the way he talked, the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn't matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."
The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"
The waiter replied with ease:"Nobody. Just your grandfather."

做孙子
一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一进饭店就大声嚷嚷：
“喂，有什么好菜尽管端上来，钱多少我不在乎。”
服务员听了很不是滋味：“哥儿们，钱多顶个屁，你不照样得做别人的儿子，就是有人要你做孙子你也不敢不做！”
年青人勃然大怒：“谁敢占老子的便宜？你说，是谁不要命了，胆敢要老子做他的孙子？”
服务员慢条斯理地答道：“你爷爷！”

Class, Lass and Ass

Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow."
A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.

汤姆教授打算第二天与他的学生见面，因此他在黑板上写道：“汤姆教授明天将和大家见面”。

一位学生看到这条通知后，觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了，就走上前，将“class”中的“c”擦掉，将意思变为“汤姆教授明天将和情妇见面”。教授听到笑声，转过身走回来，看了看那位学生，又看看被改动过的通知，不动声色地走上前，把“lass”中的“l”擦掉，将意思改为“汤姆教授明天将和蠢驴见面”。看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生，教授扬长而去。

A Careless Barber

Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in?

Customer: No.

Barber: Oh, then I must have cut your throat.

粗心的理发员

理发员：你进来时是不是系着红围巾？

顾客：没有呀。

理发员：噢，那我肯定弄破了你的喉咙。

roast pig
A gentleman was invited for dinner. When he hurried there and sat down, he was happy to see a roast pig in front of his seat:"Not bad, I am next to the pig." But then he noticed the angry fat lady sitting next to him. He faked a smile and added: "Oh I am sorry, I meant the roasted one on the table."

烤乳猪
一位先生去赴宴迟到了，匆忙入座后，发现自己的座位正对着乳猪，于是大为高兴的说：“还不错，我坐在乳猪的旁边。”这时才发现身旁的一位胖女士正怒目相视，他忙陪笑改口到：“对不起，我说的是那只烤好的。”